The River

I was watching my breath. It slowly tumbled from my mouth and melted into the winternight fog. A cold shiver ran down my spine and I was forced to put the collar on my jacket up and my hands in my pockets. It must have been four hours since I left my warm apartment and went walking around the quiet, covered in snow city. I didn’t take my mobile with me, I just wanted to walk undisturbed and think what was wrong with me.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
But clouds don’t ask you if it would be okay for them to settle in, they just come and cover the sky. The next thing you know ice-cold rain is pouring on you and you’re shaking as every drop touches your skin. And you’re hoping someone will hold you to keep you warm. And you’re left alone again.

Clouds settled in for me a week ago. At first I welcomed them, thinking it’s only for a while. But then, slowly, as they dripped on my naked skin, they washed the little sanity I had left and I no longer knew what’s wrong with me. What was even worse, nothing in my life felt right.
I blamed it all on you for showing up in my life, for making the choices you did, for leaving me. I tried to stay away from you. I sung the love ballads we used to dance to a thousand times, I killed whatever memories I had left of you… and you’re still there, painted on my heart. Truth is, I love you too much to just let everything go down the drain; there will always be a part of me that will hold you dear, hold you the god of my idolatry. There will always be a trace of you, no matter how deep I bury you.

As I walk down the street, a car passes me by, the headlights coming from behind me as I throw a shadow on the pavement. Somehow it reminds me of that day we were standing on the banks of the river, laughing, holding hands, frowning at the sun and throwing stones over our reflections. I was trying to get you to jump with me, desperately trying to get you to fall for me. You agreed and I smiled a childish, naïve smile. You stood next to me and held my hand. “On three”, I said, still believing you would really jump.
“One...”
You gave me a broad smile.
“Two...”
You squeezed my hand gently.
“Three.”
I jumped. I felt your fingers slipping from my hand and somehow I managed to grip you and drag you in with me. You fell next to me with a splash and laughed.
You would’ve left me dive without you.
I knew, at that moment, my dreams of being together would shatter. I needed to hear from you “We’ll make it somehow”, but you never said it.

Later when we talked about us I told you I’m glad the waters I dived in were so shallow because the river was running too cold for me. You hesitated a while, I saw a sparkling tear in your eye, and then you nodded, saying the river is too cold. I turned away back then, knowing what a lie we just said to each other.
You knew the waters were deeper than anyone would ever notice.
I knew the waters were not cold.
Yet we said this to each other. Hurting ourselves to be happy again, to move on.

But here I am, walking in the cold winter night alone, with tears streaming down my cheeks.
How many days am I going to regret you?
How many nights until I forget you?
How many days are you going to regret me?
How many night until you forget me?
Will we move on or will we just stay here, crying underneath the sky?
Will we waist years?
Will we drown in our tears for each other?

14.12.2008
Replica

My December(s)

"This is my December,
this is my time of the year..."

It's December again. My month. My time of the year. My snow covered dreams.
It's the month in which I have the most birthday messages to send. Dates start from the beginning and go all the way till the end. Plus New Year, which is slightly more than I can bare. :D
This post, however, is a special greet to my Decembers. I wish all of them happy birthday.
For Bekki I wish her she has less problems and she smiled more.
For Allie I wish she looked on the bright side of things more often. I wish she finds her conqueror nature within, stops thinking so much and just goes for it.
As for me, I wish me to be back to being a fighter again. I wish to get out of this mess.
I wish I can meet you soon.

Love you.
Replica