Liebeslied

I had a dream last night. I was swimming in a deep, dark ocean; the shore was nowhere to be seen and the waves were pushing me back and forth. I was light as a feather to them, they tossed me like they would toss a grain of sand. And then, far ahead, I could see you.
Your fiery-red hair glowing, like a lighthouse; beckoning me. And I swam. I swam, afraid to stop; afraid of the abyss under me. Afraid of the pain the waves crushing on my chest brought to my heart. And the more I swam, the nearer I felt you.

I remember when I first saw you, dressed in your tight beige outfit, with reddish sequins forming flames at your crotch and all the way up to your breast; your hair pulled up in a flawless pony-tail, your green eyes flickering at the light of the fire in your hand. Your lips, the color of peaches, they part and let the fire in, as the people around me gasp.
It was then I knew you were the one I will love forever. It was then I knew I was just another person on another performance who admired your beauty. I knew I was invisible to you.

But I could, I can not forget you. I will not.

And here I am, dreaming – of the deep dark ocean; of the shore nowhere to be seen and the waves pushing me back and forth. I’m light as a feather to them, they toss me like they would toss a grain of sand. And then, far ahead, I see you. Your fiery-red hair glowing, like a lighthouse; beckoning me. And I swim. I swim, afraid to stop; afraid of the abyss under me. Afraid of the pain the waves crushing on my chest bring to my heart. And the more I swim, the nearer I feel you.

I wake up, gasping for air, feeling the cold needles of the waves piercing my chest and I remember when I first saw you, dressed in your tight beige outfit, with reddish sequins forming flames at your crotch and all the way up to your breast; your hair pulled up in a flawless pony-tail, your green eyes flickering at the light of the fire in your hand. Your lips, the color of peaches, they part and let the fire in, as the people around me gasp.

It was then I knew you were the one I will ever say to, without a doubt, ‘I love you.’

26.12.2009
Replica

Die stolzen Wellen treiben mich voran,
Ich schwimm' hinaus soweit ich kann,
Denn in der Ferne liegt die Wahrheit über mich.
Ich öffne deine Augen und erkenne
Frei von Zweifeln: "Ja, ich liebe dich!"

Alexander Kaschte

Lykanthropie

I'm standing at the bathroom mirror, looking at my reflection.
It looks nothing like me. What are these scratches? Why are my eyes yellow?

"Are you okay," I looked to the bathroom door to see her there, in her long black satin night gown. "You're bleeding!"
She’s rushing to me. Worried. I can feel the animal behind my face grinning as her smell fills my nostrils. The sweet smell of pray...
I shake away the thought.
"I'm okay," I whisper, somewhat afraid of what I dreamt just moments ago.
"Where were you? Why do you have blood on your hands?"

I wish I could answer that as well. Don’t ask me where I was. I don't remember a thing.

I shrug. She caresses my hair and helps me wash my hands, then guides me to bed.
I close my eyes, her scent still filling my nostrils, but it's no longer as tempting.

I dream I'm running through the verdant forest. I can hear her steps as she's running after me, trying to catch up. I will occasionally slow down and wait for her, but I would never let her touch me. I'm leading her...
I can feel my jaw clenching as I let out a howl.



I woke up in the middle of the forest. With no idea what happened last night.
My head hurts. That ray of faint light in my eyes is blinding. Where are my clothes?

She is lying next to me, covered in leaves; looking as beautiful as ever. I' m caressing her hair, gently. It's so soft under my fingers. And she reeks of fear. The animal behind my face grins again at her smell.
She opens her eyes. I can see fear.
The animal within grins wider - wanting out, smelling fear…
"Run," I whisper.
Her eyes widen for a moment and I can see my eyes, reflected in hers, turning yellow.
"Run," I shout.
She gets up and starts running. I can hear her breath; I can smell her fear.

I fall on my knees. The animal is trying to get out. I feel my body wriggling uncontrollably as it takes over.



I'm running through the forest. I can hear her footsteps, not far from me. I'm running faster.
The smell of her fear fills my nostrils.
I can see her hair, waving at the wind as she runs. I run even faster.

She trips and falls. She faces me, crying. Fear in her eyes; her whole body giving out fear.
I'm taking a few steps back, preparing to jump.

I can hear her scream.
I can smell her fear.
I can taste her flesh...

15.11.2009
Replica


"Mein Spiegelbild, es schaut mich an
Lässt Ähnlichkeit vermissen
Was ist geschehn? Was ist passiert?
Will ich es wirklich wissen?

Ist das nicht Blut
An meinen Händen?
Es geht mir gut, vielen Dank
Lass es dabei bewenden
Du weißt, ich war im Bett bei Dir
Sag es ihnen ich war doch die ganze Nacht hier"

ASP - Lykanthropie

Hello Dear Nobody

Hello dear Nobody, remember me?
I called today to tear the stitches.
To open up your wound,
to see you bleed.

Hello dear Nobody, remember us?
I called again to remind you
how we used to hold hands -
happy, blissful and in love.

Hello dear Nobody, remember this?
The closed chapter in your book,
that book you put on the shelf.
That book, covered in dust.

Hello dear Nobody, remember me?

14.11.2009
Replica

Wrong

I don't know what's wrong with me. This week. This month.
I can barely go to sleep at night and manage to be late for my classes at noon the next day.
I barely eat because I feel like throwing up whenever I see food.
I barely drink, anything. I feel dehydrated.
I'm always hot.
I'm always dizzy.
My brain is short-circuitting, making me think things that aren't true. Making me believe things that aren't true.
Things that used to pass me by as normal now annoy the hell out of me.
Things that used to annoy the hell out of me make me wanna scream and cry.
I'm freaking out.
I'm paranoid.
I need a hug. (Or maybe I don't?)
I need time.
I need space.
I need my boy.
I need my friends.
I need me back.

And I only wish this was PMS...

Replica

Sarcasm, Irony & House

New House M.D. is out finally. 2-hour season premiere. 2 hours of irony and sarcasm. How can you not love that guy and want him to be your doctor? (rhetorical question, if someone answers, he dies... I'm aggressive...)

So, as I was watching the new episode and enjoying the crazy ideas, his irony and sarcasm, out of nowhere I started thinking that House is in fact nothing more than a character that portrays human nature. (Yes, I'm in my contemplative mood yet again.)
I know some of you deny to be compared to House because he's a cynical high bastard, but the thing is that (like I said in an argument over House a few days back) he is more connected to reality that 90% of all people. Lines like "Everybody lies" prove it. House sees the world and human nature clearly, he knows everybody lies for something and that everybody does not exclude him. And indeed, think about it, everybody lies - for money, for love, to get out of the queue at the store, to have a better place at the bar... for what not. And how many admit it?

To be honest, when I saw House for the first time and heard that line, in my mind I denied ever lying. Just an example of how people deny what they are indeed. (I love using psychology on myself, makes me feel schizophrenic-ish.) Honestly, you have to have a lot of courage to admit you're lying. Regularly. About different things. You pass some things in silence. You distort truth. Doesn't matter. Everybody lies.

Besides for realizing the simple truth that everybody lies and we should never trust someone 100% until we don't check for ourselves, House has conveniently hidden behind walls of sarcasm and irony and behaves like an ass, turning everyone away. Making believe he doesn't need anyone. Truth is, he needs someone. Truth us, we all need someone. And most of us are not brave enough to admit it. Most people prefer to hide behind the walls of sarcasm, disrespect, insults... it's a pity that, unlike House, we don't realize it. We deny. We insult. We're selfish. We don't think.

Maybe the vicodin is House's way to get away from himself, although he stated many times he takes it because of his leg. House is getting high, but on the other hand, "We all get high. Drugs, alcohol, love, solitude, memories, hopes, religion, Ego, feelings, lack of feelings, change, stability, work, sport, sex. We all get high. No matter with what. If you need it. Then you get high. If you're dependent. Then you get high. Don't be offended. You know it too. Just admit it. We all get high."*

And what in the end?
Most of the people I know, sit and watch House entranced, thinking what an ass he is, how he gets high on vicodin, how he runs away from Cuddy, how he humiliates Thirteen and Taub, how he pushes Wilson away... without thinking how much do they resemble House... how much all people ARE like House...

*Original post in Bulgarian can be found here: Снежанка и 7-те бонбона; translated by me.

24.09.2009
Replica, The Rocking Devil

Addicted to Pain?

I've been thinking, why do we always do the same mistakes again and again?
It's not because we're stupid, is it?
We were intelligent enough to go around those mistakes, to avoid them for some time and then at some point, I guess from lack of... adrenaline (?) we just trip and fall for the same thing we promised ourselves we would never again.
So what, are we addicted to pain?
Are we torturing ourselves?
Every time I think about this I remember Venus in Furs. Though it seems really shallow, I think there isn't a book that describes the human mind any better than that book does it.
We are addicted to pain.
Why else would we fall for the same over and over again?
Nothing really changes, just the faces. The empty promises, the words - they are always the same.
It's like in a play, or a remake of a movie - the actors are new, but the lines are always the same. Always cheesy. Always seeming very meaningful. Always being honest.
But shallow, meaningless and lies.
I recall Bekki telling me she does tattoos because pain made her feel alive. Well, I guess we all have out own ways of getting that pain in our system, one way or another.
And as much as I would like it to be over once for all, as much as I'd like for once to not spend a single night more crying myself to sleep, I guess this is my way of getting my dose of pain.
It really is the drug of modern society.
Because that's all there's left.
Just pain... and empty words.

09.09.2009
Replica

The Arcane Dominion

The forest lay before me – dark, somewhat lonesome. I could hear the wind blowing in the leaves, creating a melody only few can hear. A melody that beckoned me.
I pulled my cloak closer to my body and put the hood on. It fell almost to my eyes, almost blinding me. I took a deep breath as a stronger whiff of wind came from the forest and circled around me. A step and then another one, I passed the first tree.
My hand touched the bark and I closed my eyes, letting the forest come to me, come in me. I walked with eyes closed, leaving the wind to guide me through the trees to the place I was looking for. How long I walked, I do not know.
As I reached the clearing, I heard the quiet whispers of a thousand people in my head, racing with my own whispers. I didn’t know the language in which we whispered, yet I went on, with my eyes closed.
I fell to my knees. I opened my eyes. There was a pile of wood in front of me, a pile that was obviously freshly made. I lit a fire and stared at it, clearing my mind from all the things. I could feel a change in the wind, as if someone was dancing around me. I could hear a melody, a voice whispering in my ear.
The flames burst higher for a second and then went back to normal, showing me images of people dancing around me to the melody of the wind.
“Let it out, let it out,” they whispered in an unfamiliar language.
My eyes were gazing at them.
“Let it out,” they whispered again, as I looked up to the sky and screamed.
The fire rose higher, the dance got more intense, the melody louder in my ears. I felt the forest filling me, unlocking my inner animal.
And with this, I threw it all to the flames and fell on my back, breathing heavily as the figures disappeared and the fire died out…

19.04.2009
Replica

Carry Me

It was long after the sun hid behind the waves of the sea. Long after the last person walking on the beach went home, long after the lonely guy with the guitar in his hands went away to write down his ideas on paper.
The fire was just beginning its play of flames and shadows on the sand as I looked to the other end of the beach. It caught me by surprise, to see someone out here so late at night, it was well past midnight. Maybe I wasn’t the only one with insomnia tonight.
He obviously saw my fire and was surprised to see me just as much. I noticed him stopping in mid-step, hesitating, wondering if he should go on walking or turn back and leave. Then he made another, slower step towards me. I have to admit, I was intrigued by him.
Maybe he was intrigued by me too. Maybe this is why he kept on walking. Maybe the fire beckoned him to come closer, like the light-bulbs beckon moths.
Whatever the reason, he kept on walking toward me, each step surer than the previous, more determined. It was at about that time that fear went over me. I started wondering if I should just get up and get away before he was close enough or if I should stay. Part of me wanted to scream and run away, while the other part was completely dazzled by the stranger.

He was coming closer; his shoes leaving footsteps in the wet sand for a few seconds until the waves washed them away. My fire was burning brightly, probably lighting my still doubting face, because he smiled. Right then, I felt like I couldn’t move. I had to stay there. I felt my mouth slowly pulling in a smile. He stopped, looking at me and the waves washed over his feet, wetting his jeans to his knees. Was he waiting to invite him to sit by the fire?
I waved to him and smiled once more.
He answered back and with a few quick steps was opposite me, his body half-hidden from the flames.
“Would you mind if I joined you,” he asked me in a husky voice. There was something about his face, his eyes in particular. Something enchanting, something painful, some tears. I shrugged.
“Why would I mind,” I answered back and he sat beside me with a wide smile on his face.
His features were quite ordinary. He wasn’t a very tall man, maybe slightly taller than me, very skinny. I could tell he had a few sleepless nights, just like I did – black circles under his eyes suggested that, as well as the constantly wandering gaze. I could see a tear glimmering in the corner of his eye, but I pretended not to notice it as it fell down on his shirt.

“So what brings you here so late at night? Aren’t you afraid some strange people come here after the sun sets?”
His question was sincere, random. Like the questions I pick when I don’t know what to say to someone. My eyes were fixed on the burning log in the fire.
“Insomnia. What is in my mind is far more scary than strangers,” I said, unconsciously smiling. “But by the looks of you, you are as familiar with insomnia as I am.”
He laughed. I could tell it was partially forced laughter. Like the ones I have been doing for the past months since insomnia came. What do you laugh at when you don’t care for anything?
“True.”
A simple answer. I hate simple answers. If he wanted to stay, I wanted to talk with him. The fire was a good companion, but a quiet one.
“Why did you come here tonight?”
He seemed confused for a moment, maybe because I was too direct.
“I wanted to fade my memories,” he said. I wondered why would anyone ever want to fade his memories. Aren’t memories what makes us stronger?
He seemed to have read the question on my face and went on.
“It was a long time ago I met her, on a beach, just like this one. We were but kids, both on holiday at the same place.
She got tired of me and left me with no word. Ever since I want to believe we weren’t meant to be together, that those years were but a dream. And I cannot recall ever seeing such as my newfound need for believing. I have never been like this. It feels like I never set foot on that beach. Sometimes when I lay awake at night I wonder if I was ever there. Then I look through the pictures and ask myself, if I wasn’t ever there, what are these memories we share?”
He looked to the sea. I could tell, without seeing the fire reflecting in them, that there were tears in his eyes. Maybe people need to fade the memories that hurt them. The ones that give you trouble sleeping.
I was silent for a while, giving him time. It’s painful to talk about old wounds and even more painful to talk about them when they open and bleed.
I didn’t reach to dry his tears; that was the last thing he needed – someone to wipe his tears away. I just left him, sitting by the fire, as the cold breeze ran down my spine. A while later, he started again, his voice down to almost a whisper.
“I was ready to give her everything she’d ever ask for. All I wanted was her. I never saw the end coming, she never gave me a signal.”
His voice broke on the last word and I could hear quiet sobs coming from his throat.
“Reality cuts deep,” I mumbled.
Before I knew it my hand was on his shoulder, caressing his back in a soothing motion. He curled in a ball. I was lost for words. There was no witty line I could come up with, no soothing word to say.
“Hold onto me as reality breaks. It will pass.”
Of course it would, how silly of me to say such a cliché. But that was the best I could do. I never expected him to shift so quickly under my still-caressing hand and bury his head in my neck. The sobs became louder and I could feel his tears rolling down his cheeks and falling on my shirt. And all I could do was to hush him.
We stayed like this for a while, his sobs gradually becoming less and quiet until finally, as suddenly as his face was buried in my neck, he was again sitting next to me.
We were still silent. I didn’t know what to say and his past was too painful to be brought back to life.

Dawn was about to break soon. I would go home to change and then to work. I supposed the stranger had some places to go too. It was a weird night, but I could feel he felt relieved and so did I, in a way. I wanted to ask him if he would come again tonight to talk, but it felt too impudent to ask. He hesitated with the question too, but didn’t ask it either.
“The footsteps the beach was saving led me to you.”
And then he got up and walked away.
I never saw him again, not on the following night, nor on any other sleepless night I spent on the beach. I think now he was a trick the fire and insomnia played on me. I think I was never there. And then I take out the shirt I was wearing that night and smell his tears on it and wonder if I was never there, what are these memories we share.

13.04.2009
Replica

The Invisble One

I’m the invisible one,
Walking in your shoes,
Walking in her shoes,
Walking in his shoes,
Walking in their shoes.

I’m the invisible one,
With blisters from your shoes,
With blisters from her shoes,
With blisters from his shoes,
With blisters from their shoes.

I’m the invisible one,
Walking in my own shoes,
Walking in everyone’s shoes.
I’m the invisible one,
With blisters from my own shoes,
With blisters from everyone’s shoes.

I’m the invisible one,
Always there for you,
Always there for her,
Always there for him,
Always there for them.

I’m the invisible one,
Always taking blame for you,
Always taking blame for her,
Always taking blame for him,
Always taking blame for them.

I’m the invisible one,
Always there for myself,
Always there for everyone.
I’m the invisible one,
Always taking the blame for myself,
Always taking the blame for everyone.

I’m the invisible one,
Always hurt by you,
Always hurt by her,
Always hurt by him,
Always hurt by them.

I’m the invisible one,
So in love with you,
So in love with her,
So in love with him,
So in love with them.

I’m the invisible one,
Always hurt by me,
Always hut by everyone.
I’m the invisible one,
Always in love with me,
Always in love with everyone.

I’m the invisible one,
Taking the fall for you,
Taking the fall for her,
Taking the fall for him,
Taking the fall for them.

I’m the invisible one,
Always there for you,
Never seen by you.

I’m the invisible one,
Always there for her,
Never seen by her.

I’m the invisible one,
Always there for him,
Never seen by him.

I’m the invisible one,
Always there for them,
Never seen by them.

I’m the invisible one,
The one you noticed,
So did she,
So did he,
So did they.

I’m the invisible one,
The one with blisters on my feet,
The one who walked in your shoes,
The one who was there,
The one who fell,
The one who stood your ground,
I’m the invisible one.

I’m the invisible one,
The one you pretend to notice,
The one you pretend to care for,
The one you hurt.
The one you say you love.

I’m the invisible one,
The one I pretended to notice,
The one everyone pretended to notice.
I’m the invisible one,
The one I said I love,
The one everyone said they love.

I’m still the invisible one.

07.04.2009
Replica

[/random bitch whines]

P.S.: Yep, I'm fully aware it sucks.

Bye Bye Arizona

You went away, where did you go?
You said you knew the world, but did you?
I could see it in your eyes,
The child that lived inside your shell,

He knew nothing of the world outside,
Nothing but this caress and still you went.
Where did you go, what did you see?
Would you come back?

I asked the wind to look after you, the child;
You knew nothing of the world.
A kiss, you got, and that was it,
You though. But life is more than this.

You went away, where did you go?
You said you knew the world, but did you?
Now you’re here, with tears in your eyes,
Asking me to take you back.

04.03.2009
Replica

P.S.: In case you still haven't, go check Phoenix Effect and their awfully strong debut album Cyanide Skies.

Calling the Rain

- What is it like to love me?
He looked down in the puddle in front. The raindrops touched the surface to become one with it and form waves that reached the edges of the whole in the asphalt. It was somehow hypnotic. His image was blurry, dirty, dark. And hers was still crystal clear, pure, sparkling. He looked in the eyes of the reflection and she smiled.
He felt his hears racing in a frantic beat, reacting to her smile. He felt sharp pain stabbing him, too.
He was living and dying when he is with her.
He felt her lips on his. He felt the sweet intoxication of the kiss... and the poisonous effect.
He felt supreme pleasure and greatest pain when he is with her.
- To love you is like... calling the rain.
She lid her hand in his.
How many times did she caress him in the night, how many times had she taken his life bit by bit? How many times she fooled him she gave him life when she took it from him? How many times did he stop loving her and how many times did he come back? Because to love her was like calling the rain - a desperate call that could last for years and in the end, when the rain came, it was all summed up in a sigh.
How many times did he walk away from her? How many times she was with him, like a shadow? How many times did he see her everywhere? How many times did he swear never to call her again? And every time it was the same - because in her arms he was born, from her kisses he grew, from her body he became a man.
- To love you is like... bearing in pain. To love you is like embracing life while decaying. To love you is tender like a mother's caress. To love you is seeing you kill me. To love you is to feel how you drink my life. To love you is to see you where you are not. To love you is not to forget what I arose from.
He stepped in the puddle. The images intertwined in one - half black, half white.
And he raised his head and walked on, forgetting to love her. Because the rain was here. Because he no longer had to call it. Because she would always be where he was. Because she would always feed on his life.
- To love you is like... calling the rain.

"Heed, it's like calling the rain
It's like bearing in pain
Embracing life, decaying in death
Heed, it's like calling the rain
It's like the caress of a mother
Life to go withered, perennial pneuma
I will not forget what I arose from…"

Eluveitie
2008 Slania
11. Calling the Rain

28.02.2009
Replica

Just In Case You Fall

You look at me and there it is
In the corner of your lips –
The smile I’ve always loved and missed.

The lips I once kissed,
The one that never said goodbye
As you let me wither away and die.

Just in case you fall,
I will be there through it all.
Just make sure you say goodbye
Before you let me die.

11.02.2009
Replica