Woman/The Porcelain Doll

This was originally something I wrote in a really hard period for me when all the people I thought cared for me proved that they don't actually give a damn about me. This was when my back then boyfriend just cheated on me and we broke up (for a different reason, just for the record) and suddenly I felt left out alone in the middle of winter with no one to warm my naked body. This is a contribution to all the women out there. Not all female human creatures, but all women. The original dedication of The Porcelain Doll was to four people, one of which was me. Two of the other three proved to have fooled me and turned to be a fake plastic doll instead of a porcelain one. I forgive them for all the times they cried on my shoulder and for all the times they didn't let me cry on theirs because they were "busy". I forgive them for all the problems I solved for them and for all the problems that were never solved for me by them. I forgive them for letting themselves become too blind and forget the person who was there to help.
The whole idea is divided into two parts - first one is called Woman and contains the lyrics of Maroon 5's song Woman. For me, this song describes the best way what a woman should be like.
The second part is called The Porcelain Doll and it is a story that came from nowhere, yet it seemed to fit in my mood perfectly. It was a matter of a couple of hours work to find the perfect words in which to put my feelings and let everything out. The original story had an explanation of the whole plastic/porcelain doll thing which I am now not going to publish. I did it back then to make it clear to every single girl friend of mine to understand the falsity she possessed.

Woman (part I)

If I'd be so inclined to climb up beside you, would you tell me that the time just isn't right?
And if I should ever find the key you hide so well, will you tell me that I can spend the night?

Leaving your smell on my coat, leaving your taste on my shoulder... I still fail to understand what it is about this woman...

If l could bottle up the chills that you gave me, I would keep them in a jar next to my bed.
And if I should ever draw a picture of a woman, It is you that would come flowing from my pen.

Leaving your clothes on my floor, making me walk out the door and, I still fail to understand what it is about this woman...

Helplessly melting as I stand next to the sun and as she burns me, I am screaming loud for more.
I drink every drop of liquid heat that I've become - pop me open spill me out onto the floor!

Leaving your smell on my coat, leaving your taste on my shoulder... I still fail to understand...

Leaving your smell on my coat, leaving your taste on my shoulder.... I still fail to understand what it is about this woman...

Maroon 5 - Woman

To be continued...

03.02.2008



The Porcelain Doll (Part II)

The lights went out. The key turned twice, then the metal bars in front of the door fell and there was just silence. She was in her box staring at the ceiling - sky blue with huge white and pink fluffy clouds. "What a beautiful descision for a toy shop! When I was a child the walls were wallpapered in green and pink, and the ceiling was white... how much the world changed from then!"

She was six when one sunny saturday afternoon she was on her walk with her grandparents and she stopped and stared at every porcelain doll on the shop's windows. Every time she would ask for a doll, but her grandmother said she was too little to possess such a fragile and expensive thing. Then, the girl with the short dress in champagne color and matching gloves wished to be turned into a beautiful porcelain doll. She wanted to have their skin, their big eyes, red lips that never lost their color, those perfectly arranged curls that never needed combing or redoing, the wonderful dresses in different shades of beige, pink, blue, green and red...

The next day she woke up in a pink box in the middle of the toy shop. She looked straight in front of her - she was is the biggest toy hsop in the town, on the center. She saw people passing by the window and stopped to look at the lovely doll. She saw her pale reflection in the window - her skin was porcelain, smooth and shiny, her eyes were big and green, her lips full and red, her hair as she always dreamed, in curls, and her dress was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.
A couple of days later, a young woman stopped at the shop window, and like everyone else, looked at the doll. Then came in and bought her. An hour later she was out of the town, in a small mansion. She supposed she is pretty and she would stand out in the humble living room they put her in. And she was right... every time someone came to visit, he alyaws marked how beautiful the doll is and some of them offered a price. But always did the lady say the doll was not for sale.
When she died of old age, the doll was still in her box, on the shelf above the fireplace. The lady's heirs sold her to the antique shop for a remarkable price and she was again at a shop window.

Porcelain dolls were very rare and valuable therefore. Now the dolls were made out of plastic - a material which was lighter, cheaper and harder to break than porcelain. But the plastic dolls were so fake - hypocratic faces, frozen in a smile showing their pearly teeth, huge eyes with painted black dots in them to imitate light, plastic hair that just by the time the doll was on the windo looked like they hadn't been comber ever, dresses with no decency... and still no one bought the porcelain doll.

One morning, long before the shop keeper came to the shop and a while after dawn, a young man with glasses stopped at the window and started at the doll. His stare was piercing throught her and made her feel strange. He was watching her, tilting his head to one side, then the other. Then he looked at his watch, took a cigarette and smoked. He stood there until the shop keeper came to open. The two spoke briefly, then the young man came in and bought her. It turned out he was collecting porcelain dolls and she was the last to be produced. He paid for her an enormous price and proudly took her home.
There she met other porcelain dolls, all to the last in their original boxes and put on a stable stand.

Every night he took her from the little table in the livingroom and carried her to his bedside table. He always put her straight, facing him and watched her until sleep overpowered him. Then she would watch him sleep and knew if she were human, she was going to cry. She was falling in love... her porcelain face never changed, nor her hair, nor the dress, but she felt changed forever. She remembered the afternoon when the man came home, grabbed the box, held her tightly and whispered "I love you."
Years went by, he aged and remembered his porcelain love less and less. He found a woman of flesh and blood, fell in love with her and stopped saying to the doll he loved her, he even stopped looking at her. she had the feeling that if now her face stayed whole, she was going to live forever... or at least until someone by mistake didn't break her...

His wife left him two years later. She said his most beautiful doll keeps staring at her, as if blaming her, and she couldn't take it no longer. She never called again. He spent his days at home, thinking about her, screaming her name in the nights when nightmares came to him. His heart was broken...

One morning he woke up and saw her porcelain face - her eyes full of love, lips as if smiling. then he remembered his wife and got mad at the doll. He put her in the darkest corner of the kitchen to not look at her, but she always attracted his attention. Then he took her and went in the yard.
He opened the box and took her out of there. Looked her straight in the eyes, just like when he first saw her years ago on that shop window. He kissed her porcelain lips and let her go.

She flew. His kiss was still burning on her lips. And then she felt the hard asphalt under her and heard the sound of broken porcelain...

05.02.2008
Replica